Power lines

I remember as a little girl being fascinated by power lines.

In my parent's car, I would stare out of the back seat window just following those power lines.
As the car sped along highways and roads those power lines would dip and rise and then momentarily the flow would be interrupted by a wooden power pole and the lines would dip and rise again.

So graceful.

I used to love wondering why birds could sit on them, unaware of the power and unaffected by the danger.
I loved that those lines carried this magic that powered our house.

I loved black outs on stormy nights, stumbling around in the dark for candles and a match.

I wondered if the tension wires that anchored all of the last poles to the earth were live.

Suburbs with underground lines seemed different, missing something somehow. I wonder what those children look at from their back seat windows.

Balcony gardening: don't bother with carrots

So, around 6 months ago I started my own little balcony garden.

I purchased a bunch of pots (plastic so as not to make the whole project too heavy for my balcony), scoured hard rubbish collections for old bits and pieces to make the garden a little more homely (12 green plastic pots really doesn't look fantastic on a plain balcony) and planted a whole lot of plants.

I purchased a strawberry plant, a whole bunch of seeds and seedlings, my aunty kindly dug up bits of a few different succulents from her garden for me (succulents make a fabulous instant garden), and added more as I went along.

I thought I'd experiment with a few different veggies, as I wanted part of my garden to be edible.

To date I have planted:

- basil
- beets
- carrots
- celery
- chilli
- coriander
- kale
- lettuce
- mint
- parsley
- rhubarb
- rosemary
- sage
- spinach
- strawberry
- tomato

and this is what I've learnt from the process:

Basil is easy to grow, and I use basil a lot in my cooking, so it's been amazing to have in the garden. At first I didn't plant enough of it, and even though it does grow quickly (within a few weeks you'll start to see leaves big enough to start using), I quickly had to plant quite a bit more.
[Rating: easy to grow; quick to harvest; labour vs yield = fantastic]

Beets are great to grow if you have space. I love to put beets in my 'green' juices so I thought it'd be great to have some on hand. BUT they take MONTHS to grow, and they need a lot of space and after 6 months of tending to mine, I got 4 or 5 small beets that honestly look a bit funny. I won't grow beets again on a balcony garden. Labour vs yield was not very good, so I will wait until I have a proper veggie patch and try again.
[Rating: easy to grow; harvest is very slow; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is terrible]

Carrots are also slow to grow and the labour vs yield is terrible on a balcony garden. I did 2 pots of carrots and after 6 months of watering, carefully thinning the plant, weeding, fertilising etc I got a handful of carrots the longest of which is around 6 cm long, but most of them are around the 3cm mark. Terrible, and it's not like carrots go to waste very often, they last for weeks in the fridge.
[Rating: easy to grow; harvest is very slow; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is terrible]

My celery just didn't work. I planted seeds and left them to grow in my little home made greenhouse (plastic tub, with a little water in the bottom, leave it in the sun), but none of the seeds came up. I tried again a month later and this time left the lid off my home made greenhouse, but still nothing.

Chilli plants are incredible for balcony gardens, if you use chilli. I have 2 chilli plants, and I cannot tell you how amazing it is having chilli on hand all the time. I use chilli in almost everything I cook, and 2 plants was enough. The labour vs yield factor is so worth it and they don't seem to mind being in pots.
[Rating: very easy to grow; harvest is medium length, once the bush gets going its fantastic; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is fantastic, you'll have more chillis than you can use]

Coriander is also great to grow on a balcony, but I find that because when I do use it I need to use a lot of it, for me it's not worth growing. I planted 2 pots of the coriander, and as soon as it had grown, I had eaten all of it. And it doesn't keep going like some other herbs do, once you chop it off it. Maybe that's because when I harvested it I basically took the pot full to do my dish. I'm not certain, but I do know mine never grew back (like parsley does). I mean it was delicious and everything but I use so much of it when I cook with it, that I think it's probably just as easy to buy a bunch from the stupidmarket, as none goes to waste anyway, and I have limited space on my balcony.
[Rating: very easy to grow; harvest is quick, labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is okay]

Kale, ah delicious kale. My boyfriend and I both love kale in our veggie juice and so we decided to grow some. We were very excited watching it grow, it was our pride and joy of the balcony garden. I bought the seeds off the internet and planted them. They came up quickly and were going really strong. The plants were getting bigger, and the leaves were getting all kale-y and beautiful. Once the leaves hit about 15 cm long we were getting really excited. Then I noticed something weird one day when I went out to water. Some of the leaves had been eaten a little bit. Up to this point I was not into pesticides at all, and so I googled a bit, and worked out it was cabbage moths, and unless you're willing to sit and pick them off the plant one by one (and they're camouflaged by the way) there isn't a lot you can do about it without pesticides. Those little bastards at all 3 of our beautiful healthy kale plants, in a matter of days. Seriously each night I'd go out to water and each night there'd be one less kale plant. They devoured all of the leaves, there were just these little green twig like things sticking up out of my kale pots.

Once my kale plants had been eaten in their entirety the little hungry buggers started eating everything else in sight too. Basil started disappearing, then my carrot tops, then my sage.

I have since changed my position on pesticides. I went with a naturalish one by Yates. It's low toxicity to humans, easy to use, and keeps those little bastards from eating my entire garden.

So now I just rinse everything a bit more thoroughly.
[Rating: easy to grow; watch out for cabbage moths; harvest is quick, labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is great if you're happy to use pesticides]

Lettuce is great to grow on a balcony if you eat it. My diet doesn't really include lettuce so it was a bit of a waste for me. I didn't eat a single leaf, I just fed the leaves to my worms (in my worm farm).

Mint is fantastic in the garden. I don't use it often enough, so if I buy it at the stupidmarket most of it goes to waste. Having 1 plant in a pot is perfect.
[Rating: easy to grow; harvest is quick if you buy a seedling; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is fantastic, it basically takes care of itself]

Parsley is also fantastic in a balcony garden. As with mint, I don't use this often enough to make it worth buying a bunch. A word on parsley though. If you plant from seeds like I did, be prepared to wait a long time for them to come up. It'll be around 5 weeks before you even start to see little buds popping up. But once they've grown, they'll just keep on growing even if you take almost the whole plant for a dish, it's very hearty and very easy to grow. Just be a bit patient with the seeds.
[Rating: very easy to grow; harvest is extremely slow; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is fantastic, it basically takes care of itself]

Rhubarb just planted this, will update.

Rosemary is really easy to grow and handy for the same reasons as mint, parsley and sage. Just don't prune it too much. I pruned my first plant right back because some of the leaves looked a bit dry and it never survived the ordeal.
[Rating: easy to grow; harvest is quick if you buy a seedling; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is fantastic]

Sage see mint and parsley. Fantastic.
[Rating: easy to grow; harvest is quick if you buy a seedling; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is fantastic]

Spinach is fantastic to grow in a balcony garden. I got the baby spinach, spinach variety. The plant takes a while to get going but when it does, you pick a few leaves at a time off each plant, and then the plant just keeps producing more leaves around them. So I have 5 spinach plants at the moment, but I'm going to do 3 more because I use a lot of it.
[Rating: easy to grow; harvest is slow; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is good]

Strawberries we planted for fun more than anything else.
[Rating: easy to grow; harvest is medium length; labour vs yield = is fine, you won't get heaps from a plant but it's fun to eat a delicious strawberry from time to time, and it's no hassle having the plant there]

Tomato is absolutely amazing to grow in a balcony garden. Although in a pot go for smaller varieties. Cherry or grape tomatoes are great, but I went with dwarf tomatoes because the bushes don't get too tall so you don't need to stake them. I got lots of tomatoes off my 2 dwarf bushes, but next year I'll plant a few more.
[Rating: easy to grow; harvest is medium length; labour vs yield = in a balcony garden is good]


One of my favourite things to cook is pasta, and I love popping out to my garden, picking 3 dwarf tomatoes, a handful of spinach and a few sprigs of basil, a chilli or two - and that's basically my fresh ingredients for a pasta sauce. But this goes for everything else too. Even just using fresh home grown herbs in your dish will make it worth all the hours you spend tending to your garden. It's basically heaven.

And if you set up your balcony garden the way you want it, with as many or as few plants as you wish, there's not too much work that has to be done anyway. It's really been very rewarding for me.

Another word on Yoga

A few days ago I wrote above movement and Yoga.

A friend of mine via Yoga Pop suggested I try out Yoga Glo, this fantastic website that offers a yoga studio via their website. You can practice at home, their varied and amazing yoga techniques.

If you're not sure about whether you'll like it, you sign up for free for 15 days, and if you don't like it you just withdraw before the first payment. It's very easy to sign up.

You can choose your level, and style of yoga - and you're on your way.

I tried it out this morning, and it was a great session of contemplative soul flow yoga poses, our instructor encouraging us to drink up the juiciness of the soma (moonlight). I thought it would be difficult to get the most of the instructor via watching it from my laptop - but I found it not a lot different to being present in a studio.

Often yoga brings emotions up in me and sort of 'clears' out my head a bit, and this session was no different.

Fantastic.

I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and will give it another go tomorrow.

Thanks Yoga Pop!

Now I'm off to do some gardening!  

We love yoga

One of the things I find most helpful when feeling a bit funky is movement. Physical movement.

The extent and type of the funk will dictate the extent and type of movement...however generally speaking I prefer gentler forms of movement, rather than full on "exercise". I am not and am quite unlikely to ever become a gym junkie, it's just not my thing.

...for a start the word "exercise" for me conjures up all things associated with pain, which can be off putting, so I lately I've been trying to think of it as increasing movement.

So let's go with my list.

Walking. Is. So. Good.
Riding my bike. And usually at a casual pace with my head in the clouds (and apparently I sing aloud when I ride...I'll get to that).
Yoga.
Gardening.

That's my basic list. The forms and frequency of these ebb and flow with time. Walking is probably my most consistent activity.

...and I would walk 500 miles...

For years I didn't own a car and so I would walk (or ride my bike) everywhere. To the tram stop to get to work. To the train stop to visit my parents. To the grocery store with my little red hand trolley. To the laundromat when I didn't have a washing machine. To Ikea (and home again, yes with furniture) on one memorable occasion.

I have a car now, but I leave it home (a lot, 5 days out of 7 in fact) because I:
a) am a bit of an enviro head; and
b) I just prefer moving on my way to work - as I live quite close it just seems a waste to drive when I could be using my body and a bit of PT to get there (have I ever mentioned my love affair with public transport?).

I walk to the tram stop in the morning, jump on a lovely old green and yellow tram, chug along for 20 minutes while I read my book, ahhh the bliss. Often after work I will just walk home. Wave at me if you see me dawdling down Chapel Street with my nose stuck in a book! )Yes, reading and walking simultaneously is very possible - your peripheral vision picks up much more than you'd think. Although I don't encourage jogging and reading.)

Often I end up catching my morning tram with the same passengers every day. There is a lady who gets on with her little girl most mornings (same time as me). Her little girl would be around 3 years old. She has the cutest, loveliest little voice. Sometimes she sings to herself. Sometimes her and her mum have little secret conversations. It's all very sweet. Hearing her little singing voice never fails to make me smile.

Apparently I sing when I ride my bike

I used to live around the corner (literally one corner) from someone I worked with. At the time I was riding my bike to work every day. Now when I say I ride my bike, it's at quite a leisurely pace. You see, I enjoy riding, a lot. And so I try not to waste it by going all hard. I just enjoy pushing the peddles round and round, and letting my thoughts go wherever they want. Usually when I ride, other cyclists (real cyclists, haha) whizz past me like missiles.

Anyway back to my workmate. Turns out he was riding his bike too, only I didn't realise it until one day he came up to me at lunch and said, "You ride to work yeh? I ride past you in the mornings, I know it's you coz of your pink bike and how you sing to yourself."

Well. That was news to me. I never even realised I was singing aloud. *blushes*

...shoulder stands are without a doubt my favourite yoga poses...

I have been an on again off again yoga devotee for many years. I started attending yoga classes when I was 19, in Townsville (of all places, when I lived there for a few years) - as I lived next door to the most amazing yoga studio ever (I've never found anywhere quite the same), The Yoga Space. I don't even know if it's still there, but it was right next door to me, so I used to go every week.

Then I got my own mat and a DVD and started "doing it at home". Sort of.

More recently I've been doing yoga with my friend C in Melbourne. There are some great yoga studios around, but we stopped doing it for some reason around 8ish months ago (ish...maybe closer to a year). It might have had something to do with some issues I was having at the time with my ability-level (I am possibly the least flexible person in the universe) and my body image (this is improving). Actually there's no might about it. I pushed myself too hard for a while, and was very hard on myself for not being able to do some of those crazy poses, so I think I gave up. I'm not strong enough for the advanced classes but I'm not a beginner either, and finding the right intermediate class has proved a bit tricky.

I'll get there.

Lately, I've been receiving some inspiration, thanks to one of my mates who just started a blog called Yoga Pop. Check it out here. Reading through her blog has reignited my passion for yoga. And, although C and I have been pledging to go back to yoga for what seems like months now, I feel like it's time to start studio-hunting again.

In the meantime, I might go home and dust off my mat and that ol' DVD...

Just get moving

There's something so defunkifying (and if you've no funk to defy, you can expect to feel even more energetic) about movement. Getting the blood flowing, and really let's face it - it does not matter how, is good for our bodies and our brains. And if you're like me and hate the thought of a treadmill or weights session, there's nothing wrong with keeping it gentle. The last thing you want to do is dive headlong into something you end up hating, and as a result it puts you off all movement.

Would you sell yourself

Would you sell everything you loved and wanted from your life in exchange for something else? Not just for money, although that's the obvious example. I mean loads of other things as well. Gadgets, big house, security, security, certainty even. Status quo. Comfort.

Years ago I found myself 'sold out' in that way, if you like. In multiple situations I didn't want to be in but had no idea how to change them. I swapped certainty and money for those things I truly wanted. I sold myself. I acted without bravery and as a result I sold myself way short.

I did eventually find my courage and changed my situations. Less certainty. Less money. It took a long time. And a lot of courage. But guess what? I now have everything I always wanted.  Everything.

It is so hard to live a life sold short for something. It's never worth it. It's always better to take the leap and find the courage. I found it so hard but I did it. And it was worth it!

Black Friday 2012

Have you seen some of the footage on YouTube of Black Friday 2012?

Being that I work in the retail industry, I was mildly curious when I read this article in the Age today.

Oh. Boy.

It's mass hysteria on crack. Seriously. I watched, completely horrified at the extent of hysteria. The screaming. The grabbing, and shoving. The fighting. The desperation. It's just awful.

It reminded me (a smidge) of our sample sales at work. Your brain just goes a bit crazy with all the amazingly cheap clothing and the fever in the air is absolutely contagious.

The footage made my skin crawl, and made a familiar bubble of anxiety creep up my throat. It made me very, very glad I wasn't there, at those Black Friday sales.

It also made me feel a momentary sense of gratefulness that I've found some stillness in my life. I've been desperate in my life. Not for a bargain...but for emotional calm. And now I've found it I'm extremely grateful for it.

My first trip to a therapists office

I first decided to try therapy a few years ago. At the time I was working an extremely stressful job, was married and had a couple of tricky things going in in my life. I found myself feeling a sense of sadness that I had not felt before. And although I'm a cryer through and through and I don't find melancholy uncomfortable this sadness was just a bit different. I cried much more often than usual and one quiet Saturday afternoon during a particularly protracted cry my then husband very gently suggested that maybe it would help if I could speak to someone about the tricky stuff going on in my life.

The extremely stressful job came with free therapy sessions - 3 per year and more if 'needed' (if that's not a disclaimer to becoming a lawyer, good luck to you) - and so I rang the confidential service to arrange an appointment.

My first ever therapy session was hilarious, in retrospect. I cried from the moment I walked in until around three-quarters of the way through the session. I walked in, sat down, and the lovely psyhologist gave me an intro into what the sessions were all about. Confidential, safe to say anything I needed to, could talk about work or personal stuff etc etc. He then said, "what has brought you here today, and what would you like to achieve with our sessions?"

I started to explain that I had this huge well of sadness inside of me but tears prevented me from explaining and all I could get out in between tears was "I'm just really sad".

"What is making you sad?", he asked.

We sat in silence a moment (apart from the teary noises on my side of the room) as I tried to compose myself enough to speak. He gently nudged over a conveniently placed box of tissues, poured me a glass of water and waited patiently with me while the wave of sadness passed.

"I wrote a list." (More sniffles).

He looked impressed that I'd prepared for the session.

Not even bothering to try and read aloud I handed him the list. While he read the list aloud, to make sure he was reading all of the items on it correctly, I cried softly and nodded.

We went through that list together. Issue by issue, focusing more on some and less on others. It was brilliant. I saw him for the 3 full sessions and by the 3rd session it felt like more of a chat than a therapy session. Those sessions saw me through for a good while.

I still felt sad but was much more okay with it and not worried that the sadness meant something else.

I remember speaking with one of my aunties afterward about my experience with therapy. She was very kind and gentle with me and said that sometimes our lives get really tangled like a ball of wool and it's helpful to have an objective person help us untangle our tangled mess.

I love that analogy and for me it resonates deeply. Sometimes I find if I pick impatiently at a piece of tangled mess my own emotional attachment to everything can result in those pesky little tangles becoming huge knots that are impossible to undo. But a therapist, someone who cares but is objective and at arms legnth, has a much better ability to stand back, assess the tangle, and go in carefully to tug here and there until it's a bit looser and far more manageable.

I love that.

I was so lucky to have stumbled across such a wonderful and gentle therapist with whom I had a great connection - on my very first time. And although I still see a therapist (though not the same one, I've since moved, my current therapist is also wonderful) I'm extremely grateful to both for all their assistance over the years.

My ball of wool is still a bit tangled, but less so now, and actually I've quite fallen in love with some of the messiness in my life.

Gratitude journal entry no. 1

I have days where I feel I am deficient in some way. Sometimes I feel like if I was just a little bit thinner, or had a little more patience, or a little bit more money, or lived somewhere different or had a 'better' job, or a little bit more of [blank] or less of [blank], I'd be happier / more satisfied / more financially secure / or whatever.

None of that is true, though.

In the last few years I have made some fairly hilarious decisions. Some of them great. Some of them didn't work out. I try not to beat myself up about any of it, but use it as a learning tool and something to grow from. Oh! And I had a loooooonnnnnng ways to grow. Trust me on this. (Still do.)

So, there was the time I thought I wanted to live in this beautiful loft apartment in the city. It only had 2 windows and no balcony but I somehow talked myself into signing the lease, moving in, and redirecting all my mail. Then, after around 6 days of steadily increasing panic about the decision I'd made to live there, I left, moved out, called my agent and broke my lease. Oops. Expensive lesson (though I must say the agent was very gentle with me during the break lease process - lovely guy).

Oh, and there was also the time I thought I wanted a different job. I needed a challenge, that'd fix me (*fist pumps the air*)!! So I got myself a recruiter, found a job I thought I'd love, and even though I wasn't certain about what to do, wasn't being offered much more money and was being encouraged by more than 1 person to just stay put (and that I'd had just a little too much upheaval in the preceding years), I somehow talked myself into signing a new contract, giving notice at my existing job, leaving my wonderful job (that ticked 8 out of 10 boxes), and starting at the new role. Then, after 2 and a half days (I'm sorry to say I am not joking) and 3 panic attacks, I left at lunch time on the Wednesday and never went back (please don't think I'm awful, I did tell them, I just couldn't go back). Oops. Mortifying lesson. Luckily I managed to get my old job back through a stroke of ridiculously well timed coincidence. Or perhaps it wasn't coincidence. Anyhow.

There were a few other ill-made decisions in there which I care not to go into right now, but suffice to say I ended up deciding to stay put in all my areas of life for a while to see what happened and to give myself a bit of time to breathe and to recover from a lot of things that somehow went awry in my life.

It's done me the world of good. It's helped me realise a few things: a). there ain't nothing wrong with taking your time (contrary to what I used to think), b). standing still sometimes is the only way to hear what your heart is telling you (and yes that is a line in a Missy Higgins song, thanks Missy - it resonated with me), c). reluctance and uncertainty tells us something and that should be considered and taken into account in our decision making process, and d). when we're rushing all over the place like ferrets (or squirrels, if you like) trying to fix everything it is much more difficult to actually do ourselves any good.

Sometimes we just need to just stand still, take it in, process it, feel it, and then take a little step forward.

And that's what I've been trying to do (it doesn't come naturally to me I must admit and it's taken me a good few years and I'm certain I'm still 'getting there'). Standing still, and just having a look around.

I've been very pleasantly surprised. I've found out some stuff I didn't know, and also some stuff that I did know but have a new appreciation for. I feel pretty grateful for a lot of stuff in my life. And when I just sit still with my gratitude it's really hard to feel that sense of dificiency that I described above. I find myself feeling lighter and more grinnier (not a word, but I don't care!).

I have a new appreciation for my own company. I've always enjoyed just hanging out with myself but lately I've made a pointed effort to let myself be me more. Sometimes I don't do anything in particular, just chuck on a CD and sing until I have pins and needles in my face (it must drive the neighbours nuts). Sometimes I just talk to myself (*giggles*). Sometimes I take myself on a date, like to the movies. I've taken myself out for lunch and it's great coz I can eat whatever I want....!!!

Also, I've been reminded time and time again that I've the most incredible family in the history of all time. They've seen me through good times, tough times. We laugh together. We cry together (it's usually just me crying though). And I can share stuff with them. And I'm super lucky that at the moment I get to work with my sister! Yup, that's right, we get to have lunch together every day! Ahhhh. How amazing is that?!

I've the most incredible boyfriend in the history of all time. He's patient, handsome, hilarious, silly (like me), intelligent, passionate and very kind hearted (he has a huge heart). He's loads of lovely things. I'm very proud of him. And I enjoy having him by my side in life. We laugh. A lot. About silly things. Just the way I like it. We seldom fight and when we do it's always pretty tame and always fair. I think the worst argument I can remember us ever having started on our way home and (as usual) I cannot remember what it was about. We got sooo frustrated at each other (*pauses to chuckle*) that we couldn't even walk beside each other so we stomped along Brunswick Street sort of walking together but with a good metre or two between us. Then out of no where, even though he was fuming, my incredible boyfriend reached out his hand to hold mine. Still keeping a bit of space between us, but reaching out to hold my hand. It was an incredible gesture and it's an attitude of his that I really value. I've said for a long time that finding the right person is finding the person you want to share life's sh*t with (as opposed to someone you just have a good time with - although this is obviously important too). Coz life does throw us difficult times, but if we have a person to hold our hand and stand by us through the worst of it then isn't that the most incredible thing ever? Bonus points for still enjoying each other during the rough times.

I am also insanely grateful for the wonderful friends that I have made over the years. It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful and terrible people can be - but that the friends I've made and kept over the years are truly in that first category and of the truly wonderful kind.

My job has also done some pretty wonderful things for my life. It's given me balance and time to be creative. Just wonderful.

And my beautiful apartment. It's like a soothing cup of tea for my soul. I did an exercise a few years back where you write down everything you want. I was reading it the other day and I realised (actually it was my boyfriend who pointed it out), that the bit I wrote about what I wanted in an apartment has all happened. It's just wonderful, it has everything I want for this point in my life. I picked it, and I pay rent for it. But I'm still extremely grateful to have found it.

I've been reading a few books written by Brene Brown (they're incredible I cannot recommend her work highly enough). She talks about writing gratitude lists, and writing down what we want in life. I'm not sure how it works exactly but it did for me, even though it took me a while to get there - and obviously I made it happen - I guess it kind of cemented what I wanted and I set about making it happen. Anyway I am grateful. And so I wanted to express it here for all of you!

Something I have realised (maybe just now) is that I'm extremely grateful that I've grown to find writing such an outlet, and I'm not certain I would write as much if no one else read it. Some of the feedback I have gotton over the few years I've been writing on this blog has been just lovely. Most of it from people I know but that's okay, there has also been a couple of really lovely things written by strangers. And I've grown very fond of writing on this blog.

So thank you.

Fast forward the hard bits

I looked in the mirror today and saw myself grinning back.

I've done a lot of hard work and been through some pretty difficult stuff in the past couple of years. During the really hard bits I found myself wondering if I'd ever come out of it. At times I desperately wanted to fast forward into the future, to a time I was just me and happy again. I'm not saying the last few years have been all bad. There have been magnificent (amazing) bits - and certainly this past year has mostly been fantastic - and I wouldn't have changed anything.

Today I just realised that you can't fast forward through the hard bits. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes things really suck, and that's okay. Time moves us on anyway. And we make it in the end, with patience, persistence, hard work and determination.

We can't fast forward through the hard bits. But we can be kind to and patient with ourselves. And to others. And we can hope that when the hard bits arrive the people in our corner will be kind to and patient with us.

I looked in the mirror tonight I saw myself grinning back. I couldn't fast forward but I made it here anyway.

[Picture taken by my wonderful boyfriend Peter Geranio]

Juicy Pear Jelly Belly

Jelly Belly Jelly Beans are hands down my favourite jelly beans in the whole entire world.

True, I love anything sweet, so jelly beans aren't necessarily my favourite thing in the whole entire world. But Jelly Belly Jelly Beans are delicious and most certainly the best of all other jelly bean varieties.

Now, of all the Jelly Belly Official 50 Flavors, one stands out from the rest:

Juicy Pear Jelly Belly.

Have you ever tried one? Or three thousand (which of course I do not recommend)? They. Are. Incredible.

Somehow the Jelly Belly Jelly Beans people have managed to create not only the taste of pear perfectly, but also the texture and juiciness of the pear perfectly. Perfectly!

I remember (years ago), sitting with a very good friend of mine, tucking into Juicy Pear Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. Neither of us could contain our amazement at the preciceness with which the Jelly Belly Jelly Beans people  had captured the magic of the pear.

After a while it occurred to us that we might just eat pears instead of food which so closely imitated an actual pear, but nonetheless.

Fantastic.